Learn to distinguish between events and interpretations. Events themselves do not upset us. Rather, it’s the stories we tell ourselves about those events. One athlete is distraught over a setback and gives up; while another is spurred on, eager to overcome the challenge. When you see someone crying, ask yourself: what story is behind their tears? If they looked at things from a different perspective, would it change their feelings? Don’t share your thoughts with the grieving person, unless asked. Only sympathize with them, and perhaps even cry with them. You can shed tears outwardly, while inwardly remaining at peace.
The Manual: 21st Century Edition by Epictetus, Sam Torode
Like stoicism generally, the Handbook is a guide to finding inner peace despite external chaos. Its "big secret" is that we ought to take care of our own thoughts about a situation rather than worry about the situation itself. Our thoughts are interpretations of events and it is those interpretations that bother us. To find inner peace the Handbook urges us to change the narrative; tell a different story to ourselves.
Readers who have studied cognitive behavioral therapy will recognize its similarity (and perhaps genesis) with the wisdom of Epictetus. Our worries and fears most often relate to those things outside our control. Things we are not responsible for. Things we cannot change.
Some years ago I was invited to talk to a women's environmental action group. My brief was to try to help with "climate grief." The group were activists concerned about a local environmental issue. The outcome they feared was beginning to occur and their activism had become a lost cause. That day, I addressed a distraught group, many in inconsolable tears. My job was tricky. I did not want to minimize the issue they were so concerned about. I wanted to commend them for their effort that had cost them a great deal of time and energy. But it was a clear case of allowing their interpretation of events to deeply unsettle them. They confirmed each other in a repeated story of catastrophe. It seemed to me to be a dangerous downward spiral. I tired my best to reinterpret the situation, to tell a different story. I don't know if I helped as it required each person to think differently for themselves. In a group, as one person tells a different narrative, that re-framing can be picked up by others and in time the group's story changes. Grief and fear are replaced by acceptance and acceptance is the beginning of inner peace. We act better out of inner peace than the inner disturbance of catastophizing.
The last word goes to the ancient sage, "Learn to distinguish between events and interpretations. Events themselves do not upset us. Rather, it’s the stories we tell ourselves about those events." Nice one Epictetus!
Take care of your thoughts today,
+Ab. Andy