The trouble with the big events is that they are outside our control, and because such threaten to overwhelm us. Writing this, I'm thinking back to my sense of helplessness and dread when the mob sacked the Capitol as I watched in real-time. It's just too much, too big, too out of control. Over the last year the number of such overwhelming events have leap-frogged each other with mind-numbing regularity.
What's to be done then? My personal strategy is to return to the simple things, the affairs and matters I do have control over. The most obvious is to return to the breath—watch my breathing, breathe evenly, breathe deeply, breathe steadily. The physical, psychological, and spiritual benefits are widely known and tested. But I don't want to focus on that just now.
In an age of increasing incivility I can return to the simplicity of my own civility. I can decide to respect others, and because I respect them to act with politeness and courtesy. I can use words, spoken and written, that do not pull down, belittle or cause hurt. With gestures, facial expressions and body language I can alter the mood of an encounter for the better.
The other day, out on a walk, I had stopped in the middle of a pathway to adjust a camera setting. It was taking longer than I had anticipated. I was startled out of my reverie by a loud clapping of gloved hands a few feet in front of me. The chap walking the other way had stopped too. He was clearly annoyed that I had effectively blocked the pathway (for a few seconds, to be truthful). He did not speak, but just made a repeated loud noise. Looking up startled I saw through his menacing eyes and body language that he was displeased. As we were both masked what did he see in my eyes? Fear, surprise, annoyance? It was an unpleasant encounter. I walked on thinking "what an unpleasant person," though some of my thoughts are unrepeatable here. He walked on likely thinking "what a selfish person." An incivil encounter. Two lives made the poorer. Incivility breeds incivility.
I'm not proud of my masked encounter. But it gave me pause for thought. I can choose how I respond to others. I can improve or worsen the situation. I can make life a little better for someone or make it poorer.
Until recently, I have taken civility too casually. It has been part and parcel of my family and work lives—lurking in the background unannounced. The rise of incivility on social media and in political discourse has made me realize what I have missed about simple civil communication.
Civility, like all virtues and vices, is a matter of habit. I have observed married couples who, once having taken the path of incivility toward each other with unkind and cruel words—too often taking each other for granted—become unable to break the habit. They live in a downward spiral of unhappiness. But good habits, too, can become strong. Little habits of civility in everyday encounters produce the virtues of civility and good character. Good character enhances the lives of others.
It's a simple matter. In each encounter I can choose to mirror the incivility I see increasingly around me, or I can choose be be civil. I shall choose to be civil.
+Ab. Andy