"Ah, Professor Fitz-Gibbon! Ive been wanting to meet you. I've heard so much about you," she said, with excitement.
"Oh dear!" I responded a little gloomily.
"No, no, it's OK! It was all good," she said reassuringly.
I smiled on the outside, but on the inside worrying that now I had something to live up to ...
As a child I heard often the parental refrain, "Don't do that. What will the neighbors think!" I probably then internalized the notion that what others think about me, or say about me is important in some way.
There is an interesting story in the New Testament when Jesus asked his disciples the question, "What are people saying about me?" When asked the question, St. Peter gives the right answer, gets a name change, and according to tradition was made the first Pope on the spot!
But, does it matter what people think about us? what people say about us? If it matters, why does it matter? Can it change anything in any real way?
What people think about us can change us in only one way: if we allow ourselves to dwell on what we think people think about us. If we think they think badly of us in some way, then we can allow ourselves to feel badly that they think badly of us. It can quickly become a spiral of worries. Probably best not to dwell on what we think people think about us! It will only affect us if we allow it to.
What people say about us is a little different. It can follow the same track as dwelling on what people think about us. But, because words are spoken to others, and words can be quickly related to action, there can be effects other than internal worries. After all, what people thought, then said, about Jesus eventually led to a trial and execution. What people say about us can have effect other than psychological worries.
What people think about us or say about us share this in common: more often than not, both are outside of our control. You can't stop people thinking! And most often you can't stop people talking. And when you try to stop people talking you often exacerbate the situation and they talk and think all the more.
In ancient Chinese wisdom, there are two responses to those issues beyond our control, like what people think and say about us.
If we are "weak," then we allow ourselves to be controlled by our anxiety about what people think, or say, about us. Just below the surface of anxiety are fear and despair.
If we are "strong," we remain confident, prepared, ready to act when action is needed.
In ancient agricultural societies, soil, air, and sun were in abundance. Crops would grow fine with one other ingredient: rain. Rain was sometimes scarce. Rain was outside the control of the farmer. When rain did not come the farmer could give in to despair, effectively give up. Or, the farmer could acknowledge that rain is outside her control, submit to fate (Insha Allah), eat, drink, and with quiet confidence prepare for the day when rain would come. She could, too, align herself with her desire for rain by dancing for rain, or praying for rain, but not out of despair; rather out of trust that rain would come.
What people think or say about us is out of our control, just like the rain. So what to do? First, make peace with not being in control. Second, don't give in to the internal dialogue that leads to despair. Third, carry on with quiet confidence. Do the right thing. Stay true to yourself. Eventually, the needed rain will come. If it doesn't, no point in worrying about it!
+Ab. Andy