Responding to Personal Hurt

Life is often rough! We get hurt and we hurt others; often unintentionally, sometimes intentionally. Much of life is responding to hurts. I am thinking not merely physical hurts (which are easiest to respond to) but psychological hurts. Mental, emotional wounds are often quite crushing. You can live with them for days, years even. The way we respond can bring us to peace and reconciliation or can leave us in the turmoil of bitterness and loss.

When we are hurt, there is an understandable response that is to hit back. To try and cause hurt to the one who hurt us. In this response there are the twin reactions of vengeance and justice. Behind these is the idea that this wrong should not have happened. Justice is about making it right. Vengeance is about visiting retribution and punishment on the offender. Justice with vengeance is a deep seam in our psyche and our culture. The little child who does not get as large a piece of cake at the dinner table says, ‘It’s not fair!” Justice requires the right to be wronged. The child may have a larger piece of cake. That seems fair. Vengeance requires that the older sister be punished for her greed in taking more than her share. She may have her cake taken away completely. She may miss the next cake. She may be spanked. So linked are these ideas that we often think that justice requires vengeance to be true justice.

In the lectionary readings there are three responses to personal hurt. The first is the prophet Jeremiah. His response is this, “O Lord, you know; remember me and visit me, and bring down retribution for me on my persecutors.” This is an interesting response in that Jeremiah still feels the need for vengeance. He wants his persecutors to suffer. Yet, he has moved in that the vengeance to be carried out is to be God’s and not his own. This is quite a shift. Think of most of the wars between nations. The reason for war is often said to be the righting of a wrong. Retribution is taken out upon the offender. If the nations made Jeremiah’s move, it is possible that there would be no war. His appeal is to God to bring about vengeance. I have read accounts of pacifism that use this same argument. It is wrong for people to use violence because God will bring about God’s violence in due time. Don’t kill your enemies. God will kill them on our behalf!

The second response to personal hurt is that of Paul. “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them . . . live peaceably with all.” This is a much bigger shift. It is a psychological difference. It seems that Jeremiah still holds the grudge against his persecutors. He still wants them to suffer, though he will not be personally the means of their suffering. Paul presents something new. It is to begin to think differently about those who cause hurt. It is to bless them; to wish them well and not harm. This is remarkable and rarely practiced in politics or world affairs. But, what a change it would make! In personal life it frees you harboring grudges that lead to destructive bitterness that eats away at your spirit.

Paul does add, “Never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Don’t you get angry accompanied by vengeance; let God get angry and bring God's vengeance! I wish he had not added that. For me, it takes away from that which he has already urged. Paul presents a new way, a different way than vengeance; one of blessing, care, love of the one who hurts. To add that God will repay the hurt with vengeance undermines the new way. It seems to make God less than us. Love and blessing is good for humans, but God will exercise vengeance!

The third response to personal hurt is the gospel where Jesus refuses to walk away from suffering but to face it with courage knowing that in losing life, life is found. In the extremity of personal suffering Jesus forgives his persecutors. He prays God’s blessing on them. This theme is the one that Paul uses and is the new idea, the new response to hurt, that the early Christian community brings to the world.

In the gospel, too, is the redaction that, “The Son of Man is to come with his angels . . . and he will repay everyone for what he has done.” Sadly, it is much the same as in Paul. Vengeance is so deep in the human psyche that after blessing comes retribution. I wish that here too the gospel writer had remained with the mystical insight of losing life and gaining life. Vengeance rears its ugliness again! It seems strange to me that we should be urged to be kind to those who cause hurt in the knowledge that ultimately that kindness will turn to retribution. There is no retribution, no vengeance, and no repaying hurts in love. God is love, and we are to imitate God.

How do we respond to personal hurt? With love, with care, with blessing for those who hurt us and with no thought that though we bless them now they will get their comeuppance in the end!

+Ab. Andy